I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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