How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
