your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
