During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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