my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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