Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
