make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
