i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
