worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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