Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
