So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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