I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
its not stalking. its research.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
