The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
