if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
