her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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