I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
