i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it's like iHOP with fire
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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