No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
