made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
