Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
