This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
