I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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