Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
