I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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