why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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