She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
