last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
