apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
