Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
