He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
