Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
