I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
