I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
