After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
