Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize