It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
