nut hugger
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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