the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
