i barfeds in our rink
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
