He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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