apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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