The maid of honor just puked.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
