Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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