I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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