I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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