I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
