No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
