God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
