I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
