Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
