you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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