So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
