My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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