I need to stop coming to work sober
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
