I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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