I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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