More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just invented taco cereal.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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