John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
